Grief can be incredibly lonely—but some forms of grief are even more isolating because they’re not openly acknowledged, validated, or understood. This is what we call disenfranchised grief—a type of grief that doesn’t quite “fit” into society’s expectations of what grieving should look like.
As someone who works closely with those navigating loss, I’ve come across this form of grief time and again. Sometimes it’s named, but more often, people whisper it quietly or carry it silently in their hearts.
What Is Disenfranchised Grief?
The term was coined by Dr. Kenneth Doka to describe grief that isn’t recognised by others as legitimate or “worthy” of mourning. It’s the kind of grief that may not receive sympathy cards, time off work, or even a listening ear.
It often leaves people feeling doubly burdened—grieving their loss while also grieving the lack of understanding or support around it.
How It Happens
This grief occurs when the relationship, the loss, or the way someone is grieving isn’t socially acknowledged. Examples include:
- Loss of a pet, dismissed as “just an animal”
- Death of an ex-partner or estranged loved one
- Miscarriage or stillbirth, especially when experienced privately
- Loss from suicide or overdose, often clouded by stigma
- Secret relationships—affairs or non-traditional partnerships
- Non-death losses like dementia, job loss, or family estrangement
What all these have in common is a lack of external validation. The mourner may feel they have no right to grieve—or worse, feel judged for doing so.
The Emotional Impact
Disenfranchised grief can feel like being shut out of a room where everyone else is allowed to mourn. Common emotional responses include:
- Guilt for grieving something “others wouldn’t understand”
- Anger toward those who dismiss your pain
- Shame for still feeling sadness “so long after”
- Loneliness from not being able to share your story
This grief doesn’t vanish. When ignored, it lingers quietly—often unhealed—and may lead to low self-worth, prolonged grief, or anxiety.
How to Cope
Your grief is valid. You don’t need permission to mourn. Here are some gentle steps you can take:
- Name your loss: Acknowledge what you’ve lost, even if others don’t understand it.
- Seek safe spaces: Support groups and therapy can offer validation.
- Create rituals: Light a candle, write a letter, or make a memory box.
- Educate others: If you can, talk about disenfranchised grief to raise awareness.
- Feel your feelings: There is no “right” way to grieve. Your emotions are real and worthy.
You Are Not Alone
Disenfranchised grief may feel invisible to the world, but it’s not invisible to me. You deserve support, compassion, and space to grieve—on your terms.
With warmth,
Sue
Evolve Talking Therapies