Why autumn evenings can feel especially lonely after losing someone you love — and what might help.
There’s something rather comforting about this time of year, isn’t there?
The leaves are changing colour, there’s a chill in the air, and we’re beginning to think about putting the heating on, making warming meals and settling down for the evening.
We start closing the curtains a little earlier, perhaps putting on a favourite television programme, lighting a lamp and enjoying the comfort of being indoors.
For many people, autumn is the beginning of what we often call the cosy season.
But what if the person you used to share those cosy evenings with is no longer there?
What if closing the curtains means shutting out the world and facing another long evening alone?
For someone who is grieving, the changing seasons can bring feelings that others might not even consider.
Why Can Grief Feel Harder During Autumn and Winter?
When you’ve lost someone you love, it’s often the little everyday things that remind you of their absence.
Perhaps you used to sit together watching television. One of you would make the tea while the other closed the curtains.
Maybe you enjoyed chatting about your day over an evening meal, or simply sitting together in comfortable silence.
You didn’t necessarily need to be doing anything special. Just knowing they were there was enough.
And now, as the evenings draw in, those familiar routines can feel very different.
There’s an empty chair. Nobody to ask whether they’d like another cup of tea. Nobody to share a passing thought with.
Sometimes it’s not the big occasions that bring grief to the surface. It’s the ordinary moments that were once such a natural part of life together.
When Closing the Curtains Makes the Loneliness Feel Bigger
Have you ever noticed how different a house can feel once the curtains are closed?
During the lighter months, there’s often more going on outside. People are gardening, walking their dogs, chatting over fences or simply enjoying the longer evenings.
There’s a sense of life continuing around us.
But when darkness arrives at five or six o’clock, our world can suddenly feel much smaller.
For someone living alone after the death of a partner, the evening can stretch ahead with very little to break it up.
And loneliness isn’t always about having nobody around.
You might have spent the day with friends or family, enjoyed yourself and even had a good laugh.
But when you return home, turn the key in the door and walk into the quiet house, the absence of the person you love can feel particularly strong.
You can be surrounded by people during the day and still feel terribly lonely in the evening.
That’s one of the difficult things about grief. It’s not necessarily company in general that you’re missing.
It’s their company.
The Small Everyday Things That Remind Us of Our Loss
Perhaps it’s getting the blankets out and remembering how you used to share one on the sofa.
Cooking a warming meal and realising you’re preparing it for one.
Hearing the rain against the windows and remembering how much you both enjoyed being tucked up indoors.
Or perhaps it’s simply looking across the room and wishing you could tell them something about your day.
These moments might seem insignificant to somebody who hasn’t experienced that particular loss.
But they’re not insignificant to you.
They’re reminders of the life you shared, the routines you developed together and the companionship that was woven into your everyday existence.
And sometimes, when the nights become longer and quieter, those reminders become more noticeable.
So What Can Help With Grief and Loneliness During the Darker Evenings?
I wish there were a simple answer.
But grief isn’t something we can fix with a few suggestions, and I certainly wouldn’t want to suggest that a candle, a warm drink or a good book could somehow replace the person you love.
They can’t.
However, there may be small things that help make those evenings a little more manageable.
1. Create a Gentle Evening Routine
When you’re grieving, long stretches of unstructured time can sometimes feel overwhelming.
You might find it helpful to have a few familiar things to look forward to during the evening.
Perhaps a favourite programme, a telephone call with a friend, a warm bath or some time spent reading.
It doesn’t have to be anything particularly exciting or productive.
Sometimes simply having a little structure can make the evening feel less daunting.
2. Keep Some Connection With Other People
One of the difficulties of grief is that we can gradually become more isolated, particularly during the winter months.
You might not feel like going out every evening, and that’s absolutely fine.
But perhaps you could arrange a regular telephone call, meet somebody for a coffee or join a local group where you feel comfortable.
Sometimes having a conversation with another person, even a short one, can help break up a long and lonely day.
And remember, you don’t always have to talk about your grief.
It’s perfectly all right to enjoy an ordinary conversation about something completely different.
3. Make Your Home Comfortable for You
Your home may hold many memories of the person who has died.
Some of those memories will bring comfort, while others may feel painful.
You don’t have to change your home or remove belongings before you’re ready.
But perhaps there are small things you could do to make your surroundings feel a little more comforting during the darker months.
A favourite lamp, a comfortable chair, some music or a familiar blanket.
Not to erase the memories, but to make the space you’re living in feel a little kinder to you.
4. Give Yourself Permission to Remember
Sometimes we try to avoid memories because we’re frightened they might upset us.
But remembering can also be comforting.
Perhaps there’s a favourite autumn meal you used to enjoy together, a television programme you both watched or a particular song that reminds you of them.
You might choose to continue some of those traditions.
Or you might find them too painful at the moment.
Both are understandable.
There is no right or wrong way to remember somebody you love.
5. Don’t Feel You Have to Fill Every Moment
There’s often a great deal of advice about keeping busy after bereavement.
And while activities and social contact can be helpful, you don’t have to fill every waking moment to avoid feeling your grief.
Sometimes you may simply want to sit quietly, think about the person you’ve lost or allow yourself to feel sad.
That’s okay too.
The important thing is finding a balance that feels manageable for you.
6. Reach Out When the Loneliness Feels Too Much
There may be evenings when the loneliness feels particularly difficult.
If that happens, please don’t feel that you have to manage everything on your own.
Talking with somebody you trust, joining a bereavement support group or seeking professional grief support may help you feel less alone with what you’re experiencing.
You don’t need to wait until things become unbearable before reaching out.
Finding Your Own Way Through the Changing Seasons After Loss
As autumn settles in and the evenings grow darker, you might notice your grief feeling a little closer than it did during the summer.
That doesn’t mean you’re going backwards.
It doesn’t mean you’re not coping or that you should be further along in your grief.
It may simply be that the changing season has brought reminders of the person you love and the life you shared.
And perhaps this autumn, rather than putting pressure on yourself to enjoy the cosy season in the way everybody else seems to, you could think about what would make these coming weeks a little easier for you.
It might be something very small.
A regular chat with a friend. An evening walk before it gets dark. A comforting routine. Or simply acknowledging that some evenings are going to feel harder than others.
You don’t have to stop missing somebody in order to find moments of comfort in your life.
And you don’t have to pretend that the darker evenings are easy when they’re not.
If you’re finding the changing seasons particularly difficult following a bereavement, please know that you don’t have to face those feelings alone.
At Evolve Talking Therapies, I offer a warm, understanding space to talk about grief and the many ways loss affects everyday life.
No judgement. No fixing. Just an opportunity to be heard.
Warmly,
Sue