After someone dies, you may expect to feel sadness, loneliness or a deep sense of missing them. What you may not expect is how difficult it can suddenly become to think clearly, concentrate or make even simple everyday decisions.
You might stand in the supermarket unable to decide what to buy for tea. You may read the same paragraph several times without taking it in. An unanswered email can feel like an enormous task, or someone asking, “What would you like to do today?” can leave you feeling completely overwhelmed.
This experience is sometimes described as grief brain or brain fog after bereavement.
Grief can take a considerable amount of emotional and mental energy. When so much of your capacity is already being used to adjust to loss, everyday decisions can feel much harder than they did before.
What Is Grief Decision Fatigue?
Grief decision fatigue describes the mental exhaustion that can occur when making choices feels more difficult following a bereavement or significant loss.
It isn’t necessarily that you have suddenly become indecisive.
You may simply be trying to function while carrying sadness, disrupted routines, practical responsibilities, memories, worries and uncertainty about a future that now looks different.
Even seemingly insignificant questions can become difficult:
- What shall I eat?
- Should I go out today?
- Do I want to see people?
- What should I do with their belongings?
- Should I return to work?
- Can I stay in this house?
- What am I supposed to do next?
Sometimes the answer may simply be:
“I don’t know.”
And for now, that may be enough.
Why Does Grief Make It Difficult to Think Clearly?
Grief doesn’t only affect our emotions. It can affect how we experience everyday life, including our ability to concentrate and organise our thoughts.
Your mind may be occupied with memories, worries, practical arrangements or simply trying to make sense of what has happened.
Sleep may also have changed, leaving you tired before the day has properly begun.
When you are already emotionally and mentally stretched, there can be less capacity available for everyday tasks.
Something that once required very little thought can suddenly feel surprisingly demanding.
What Is ‘Grief Brain’?
The term grief brain is often used informally to describe difficulties with concentration, memory and clear thinking following bereavement.
You might:
- forget why you walked into a room;
- lose track of conversations;
- struggle to concentrate on a book or television programme;
- forget appointments;
- find paperwork overwhelming;
- start something and forget what you were doing;
- struggle to make simple decisions.
These experiences can be particularly unsettling if you were previously somebody who was organised, decisive and able to manage several things at once.
You may begin to think:
What’s happening to me?
Why can’t I concentrate?
Why can’t I get anything done?
Rather than judging yourself for what you cannot manage at the moment, it may help to recognise just how much you are already carrying.
Why Can Small Decisions Feel Overwhelming After Someone Dies?
Before your bereavement, many everyday decisions probably happened almost automatically.
But loss can change familiar routines.
Perhaps the person who died always did the shopping.
Maybe they organised the household finances, planned holidays, cooked dinner, dealt with the car or remembered when the insurance needed renewing.
Or perhaps you simply made those decisions together.
Now something as ordinary as choosing a new appliance, deciding what to cook or booking a holiday may carry another meaning.
It reminds you that they aren’t there to make that decision with you.
The difficulty may not really be about choosing between two options.
It may be about missing the person who used to stand beside you while you chose.
Losing the Person You Used to Talk Things Through With
One aspect of grief that is sometimes overlooked is the loss of your sounding board.
Who was the first person you spoke to when something happened?
Perhaps you would come home and say:
“You’ll never guess what happened today.”
Maybe you discussed whether to spend money on something, problems at work, family disagreements or where to go on holiday.
Sometimes you didn’t actually need their advice.
You just needed to talk.
When that person dies, you can lose not only somebody you loved but also the person who helped you make sense of everyday life.
That absence can make decision-making after bereavement feel incredibly lonely.
Should You Make Big Decisions While Grieving?
Bereavement can sometimes bring major decisions at exactly the time when making decisions feels hardest.
You might be wondering:
Should I sell the house?
Perhaps the home holds precious memories but also feels painfully empty. There may also be practical or financial considerations.
Should I return to work?
Returning to familiar routines can feel helpful for some people and overwhelming for others.
When should I sort through their belongings?
There is no universal timetable for deciding what to keep, give away, donate or leave exactly where it is.
Should I make changes to my life?
Loss can change how you think about your future, relationships, work and priorities.
Other people may have strong opinions about what you should do.
Their advice may be well intended, but you are the person who has to live with the decision.
Unless something genuinely needs an immediate answer, it can be helpful to give yourself permission not to decide everything at once.
You do not have to work out the rest of your life today.
How Can You Cope With Decision Fatigue After Bereavement?
Reducing the number of decisions you need to make can make everyday life feel a little more manageable.
Simplify everyday choices
You don’t need to make every day complicated. Familiar meals, routines and clothes can reduce unnecessary decisions when your energy is limited.
Write things down
If concentration or memory feels different, use lists, reminders or a diary rather than expecting yourself to remember everything.
Break big decisions into smaller questions
Instead of asking:
“What am I going to do with the house?”
you might begin with:
“Do I need to make this decision now?”
One smaller question can feel more manageable than trying to solve everything at once.
Ask for information rather than answers
Someone you trust can help you gather information without deciding for you.
You might say:
“Can you help me understand my options? I don’t need to decide today.”
Allow yourself to change your mind
What feels right today may not feel right several months from now.
You are allowed to reconsider.
Give yourself permission to say, ‘I don’t know yet’
There can be pressure after bereavement to know what comes next.
Sometimes you simply don’t know.
“I don’t know yet” is still an answer.
What Do You Want After Bereavement?
Grief can bring many voices into your life.
Friends may offer advice.
Family members may have opinions.
Someone might tell you that you need to get out more, clear the house, move somewhere smaller, meet new people or begin “moving forward”.
They may genuinely believe they are helping.
But underneath all those voices is yours.
And your voice may feel quieter at the moment.
Person-centred counselling isn’t about someone else deciding what is best for you. It can provide the space to explore what you are feeling and begin to hear your own thoughts more clearly.
Sometimes the question isn’t:
“What should I do?”
It is:
“What feels right for me?”
And you don’t have to find the answer immediately.
When Might Bereavement Counselling Help?
You don’t have to wait until grief becomes unbearable before seeking support.
You might consider talking to someone if you are finding everyday life increasingly difficult, feel overwhelmed by decisions, are struggling with loneliness or simply feel that the people around you no longer understand what you are experiencing.
Sometimes having somewhere to speak openly can help you begin to untangle the thoughts that have been going around in your head.
Grief Support and Bereavement Counselling in East Yorkshire
At Evolve Talking Therapies, I offer a confidential and non-judgemental space where you can talk about your grief without being told how you should feel or where you should be in your bereavement.
There is no timetable for grief.
There is no expectation that you should have “moved on”.
And counselling isn’t about someone giving you the answers to your decisions.
It can be about having someone walk alongside you while you begin to discover your own.
Bereavement and grief support is available in person in East Yorkshire and online, allowing you to access support in the way that feels most comfortable for you.
You Don’t Have to Work Everything Out Alone
Grief can leave you facing decisions you never expected to make and a future you hadn’t planned.
If you are struggling with grief, concentration, decision-making or simply trying to understand how life looks now, you are welcome to reach out.
I offer a complimentary 30-minute conversation where we can talk about what is happening for you and whether working together might be helpful.
There is no obligation to continue.
Sometimes the first step doesn’t have to be making another big decision.
It can simply be having a conversation.
You don’t have to walk through grief alone.
Warmly,
Sue
Evolve Talking Therapies