Grief is such a deeply personal journey, and yet, in so many ways, it connects us all. Over the years—both in my work and in my own life—I’ve come to understand grief not as something we “get over,” but as something we learn to carry. The depth of grief is a reflection of the love felt for the person that is missing from your life.
One of the most recognised ways of understanding grief is through the Five Stages of Grief, first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. I find that while not everyone experiences these stages in a neat or predictable order, they offer a helpful framework—a language for something that often feels too big for words.
So, I’d like to gently walk you through them, not as fixed or regular measurable steps, but as part of the shifting landscape of loss and your grief journey.
1. Denial – “This can’t be happening…”
In the early days of grief, denial can feel like a soft fog—a buffer that cushions us from the shock. I’ve sat with people who felt numb, who kept expecting their loved one to walk through the door. I’ve experienced that too. It took me a couple of years to get used to not being able to ring my Mam to catch up with family news.
Denial isn’t about pretending it didn’t happen—it’s about our mind giving us time to adjust to a reality that feels too painful to face all at once.
2. Anger – “Why? It’s not fair.”
Anger often shows up next, and it can be confusing—especially if we’re not usually angry people. I remember feeling angry at doctors, at the nursing home, at life, even at myself. Anger, though uncomfortable, is part of the process. It’s a sign of the deep love and pain we carry. It’s okay to feel angry. It deserves to be heard without judgment.
3. Bargaining – “If only I had…”
Bargaining is that place where our minds go when we wish we could undo what happened. “If I had done this differently… maybe they’d still be here.” It’s a stage filled with “what ifs” and self-blame.
I always try to remind people (and myself) that we did the best we could with what we knew at the time. Guilt is heavy, but it’s also a reflection of how deeply we cared.
4. Depression – “What’s the point?”
This stage often brings a deep sadness, a quiet emptiness that sits with us. It’s not something to fix or rush. Sometimes I’ve just needed to cry, to withdraw, to rest.
This isn’t a sign that we’re doing grief “wrong”—it’s part of honouring what we’ve lost. In these moments, self-compassion becomes so important. Self-compassion and self-care are crucial on the grief journey.
5. Acceptance – “This is my new reality.”
Acceptance isn’t about being okay with the loss. It’s about acknowledging that it’s part of our life now. It doesn’t mean we stop missing them or stop feeling the pain—it just means we begin to find a way to live alongside it.
For me, acceptance came in small steps. A moment of laughter. A memory that brought warmth instead of only tears.
Your Journey Is Yours
I want to say, gently and clearly: there is no “right way” to grieve. You might move back and forth between stages, skip some entirely, or experience them all in one day. That’s okay. Your grief is as unique as your relationship with the one you’ve lost.
You Are Not Alone
If you’re walking through grief right now, please know you’re not alone. Whether your loss is recent or something you’ve carried for years, your feelings are valid. And you don’t have to make sense of it all in one go.
Sometimes, all we can do is take the next breath. And that is enough.
With warmth,
Sue
Evolve Talking Therapies